With Shadow's return to the fold, it seems like things would return to normal. Brick was on his own trying to reinvent the wheel on the guitar (don't ask), Slate was amusing himself with that voice modifying device / singing off-key, rhythmically disjointed covers of Sisters of Mercy songs, G Mod was alternating between being an embattled one-percenter and a cold-hearted bastard and Shadow was repressing his hatred for G Mod as well as his guilt for helping him keep Brick in the band against his will. "Oh, what a tangled web we weave," said the spiders who write the plots for these things.
But what about Tigerman, the ridiculously out of place, happy-go-lucky and amorous Tiger creature that seemed to have disappeared during the previous webisode? Well, after surviving a hostile encounter with an irate G Mod, Tigerman had been leading a quiet life. He got his morning bowl of oatmeal, ran a few laps around the MFUJ HQ Mark II. and then pretended to work on that upcoming blog entry of his.
Everything seemed to be going this way until, surprise surprise, something happened to change everything. One day, Tigerman received an email from one of his fellow tigers back home (wherever Tigers come from. What? Do we look like the Discovery Channel? I don't know where Siberian Tigers come from. I'm just a narrator. I'm not supposed to have all the answers). That Tiger told him that he had a potential job offer for Tigerman. A friend of Tigerman's friend (we're being awfully vague now, aren't we?) worked at the Tiger International Channel (Call your local cable or satellite company and request Tiger International today!) and that he would be interested in meeting with Tigerman for a job interview. Why? We don't know, but the universe works in mysterious ways. At least it does when we want to push the plot forward.
Tigerman eagerly accepted the offer. It then dawned on him that he knew nothing of television or working or how to interview. It seemed like Tigerman had gotten himself into a Three's Company-type jam (except without the lovely 1981-era Priscilla Barnes to provide the much-needed sexual tension to this farce). However, as this happens to be one of those Job related Blog posts we used to do, Shadow was there to solve Tigerman's problem of not knowing anything, his own personal issues be damned. The blog always came first. Well, first the ladies, then the blog. Feeling better, Mr. Macho? Huh? Don't you mean Pizza flavored Combos came first, then the blog. Shut up! You're only arguing with yourself. Don't get philosophical with me, italicized voice. Now where were we? Tigerman lost, Job offer, Terri Alden from Three' Company.....Oh I lost my trail of thought again. The Interview strategies, numbskull. And, by the way, everyone knows that Suzanne Somers was the best. Whatever, man. Terri > Chrissy.
"Shadow?" asked the puzzled Tiger beast. "What do I do? I just scheduled an interview and I don't know what to do!"
"Never mind the worries, Tigerman. I will help you!" declared Shadow. "Who cares about my struggles or the plot developments left over from the previous live action installment. This is the blog and anything can happen...well, besides you actually finding a wife."
"What's going on here?" asked Brick as he entered the room.
"I'm helping Tigerman with his interview skills," replied Shadow, instructing Brick to sit on the couch in the living room. (Wait, did we wait until just now to say where we are? Bad writer!)
"Oh, we're doing one of those? I thought we gave up on looking for work."
"No and we're contractually obligated to do several of these job related blogs."
"Dammit G Mod! Always getting us with 'contractual obligations'!"
Slate enters, throat exhausted from hours of bad singing and drinking too many ice cold bottles of Deer Park (blatant product placement). "What's all the ruckus?" he asked in the faux southern accent he seemed to have developed out of nowhere.
"It's another one of those 'Long and Winding Road' blogs," mumbled Brick.
"Another entry named after a lesser Beatles song from Let It Be? Oh well."
"Are we all settled now?" Shadow asked. Ok. Let's get started. Here is Shadow's Guaranteed Method of Succeeding at Job Interviews! (Editor's Note: for legal reasons we have to say that " Shadow's Guaranteed Method of Succeeding at Job Interviews!" is not necessarily a foolproof way of landing a job. It may actually prevent you from ever working again. Tread cautiously. Please.)
Step 1: Don't Freak out! For Banana's sake, Don't lose your head! You'll need it for the next few steps and possibly after that as well, maybe.
Ok, so you got the interview. Don't stress out. Relax. Breathe. The Interviewer is Human too. Unless they are some sort of fire-breathing lizard creature or a robot, but I digress. This is no time to start stressing out or letting negative thoughts creep into your head. Sure you're not qualified for the job. Sure there are plenty of people better suited for the job. And, yes, they are better looking and the ladies like them better than you. But dwelling on any of that, no matter how true it may be, is not going to help you now. Focus!
Step 2: Dress For Success! Be the Alpha Male of wardrobe...if that's possible. Let's just assume that it is.
Clothes make the man, Fur makes the beast, etc. If you're going to tackle this seemingly impossible task of interviewing for a job, you might as well look your best. Don't wait until the last minute to finalize your interview outfit. Otherwise you might discover that all those snacks you've been sneaking out of the kitchen have made your best pants sit on top of you as tightly as a drum skin thingy. Showing the interviewer that you can dress yourself is half the battle. The other half is arm wrestling them into submission. Hmmm? It isn't? Oh, well, don't rule it out as a possibility just yet.
Step 3: Know Where You Are Going! Google map the hell out of that interview location.
I can't tell you how many interviews were ruined by the interviewee showing up late or, even worse, not showing up at all. Don't be a limp banana peel! Look up the interview location and go there! Be the Alpha Male and declare your mastery over navigation by .... *The rest was redacted for implying that certain acts of marking one's territory are appropriate in modern day society. They are not.*
Step 4: Greet Them With a Strong, Firm Handshake! No time to show Weakness. Be the Alpha Male, even if you are a fe-male. No time for political correctness when you are trying to get a job. It's every man, woman and beast for themselves.
So you didn't lose your mind, you managed to put on some pants and possibly a shirt and you made it to the interview intact and on time. Good for you. Are you going to waste all of this early success by giving a stale, limp handshake when you meet your tormenter... I mean future employer? No way! Man up and give them a handshake that says "yeah, try this on for size!" It's basically a contest to see who can apply the most pressure without shattering all of the bones in the other person's hands. Trust me. Show them that you can push it to the limit.
Step 5: ???
This is the actual interview part of the interview. Listen, talk, try hard not to emit any foul bodily functions/noises, and, for Banana's sake, don't stare at anything that you're not supposed to stare at. You're trying to get a job, not pick-up a recent divorcee with a jealous ex-husband and three kids, nor are you trying to play "spot the toupee". Take this seriously, but don't forget to smile and be grateful, but don't relax too much or they'll think you aren't taking them seriously, but....*takes a breath* You can figure out the rest of this step on your own. Good Luck. We believe in you. And if you mess up, it isn't the end of the world. Unless, of course, for some strange reason it is. I don't know why your ability to be hired for a certain job would dictate the fate of an entire world but if it ever did and you didn't get the job, then we're all screwed. Thanks a lot, jerkface! You ruined everything by being an unemployable loser!
Step 6: The Long, Slow Goodbye. Don't do it. Be the Alpha Male and cut and run. What am I trying to say? Uh...?
Now that the interview is over, you better be grateful and thank your interviewer for their time. They, the almighty job offering deity that they are, chose to spend a few minutes/hours with a mere mortal like you. You better show them some appreciation. A thank you note/email would definitely be a nice touch.
"Well," concluded Shadow. I think that's about all I had to say. I guess."
"Wow, that was painful," said Brick.
"Way worse than having to sit through Tigerman's love letters to his future first wife," replied Slate.
"Thanks, Shadow," Tigerman said deferentially.
"Did that help?" asked Shadow.
"Maybe. I don't know. I fell asleep after the intro."
"I hate you guys," Shadow mumbled as the end credits music began to play.
