And so, after a long intermission, we return to the MFUJSF offices to find our hero, Brick, faced with a rude awakening….
“I have to get a job?!?”
That’s right. After finally spending the last of the band’s royalty checks on stocking up the vending machine with bagel chips and cheez-it, it turns out that Brick and the other three members of MFUJSF are officially broke.
“What to do? WHAT TO DO?”
ACT 1: THE RÉSUMÉ
Brick was confused and alone, well, more so than usual, so he consulted his band mates and got some advice. The drummer, Shadow, after taking a healthy sip of his can of his strawberry banana soda, got up from his stool and with a big booming voice announced that he would help Brick make money.
Shadow’s Guide to Writing a Perfect Résumé
Step 1: Find a font that works for you.
If you’re going to collect bananas for a living, or something even better, you’re going to need a résumé. But the first step is to pick a font that represents you as a gorilla, er man, in order to show the employer who the alpha male really is. You’re going to want to pick something legible yet full of manly spirit and boldness. So basically, no webdings!
Step 2: Evaluate your skills and experience.
Once you’ve chosen a sweet ass font, you’ll need to think about how you’re going to convince that banana vendor that you’re the top ape for the job. You shouldn’t just list the details of the jobs you’ve done before. Instead you should focus on the accomplishments and lessons you learned at each job. Did your recipe for banana sake boost profits by 300% for the brewery you used to co-manage? Write that down! You do have to distinguish between useful skills and just plain awful skills. If you’re applying to an office job, I doubt that being able to stand on your head for over five minutes will be a selling point for you as an employee. Be bold, and exciting but don’t come across as crazy. Be the alpha male!
Step 3: Lie at your own peril.
Lying is bad. No one likes a liar. Sure it’s useful if you’re a lawyer or if you work on wall street and sell banana bonds to foolish rich folk, but it will ruin your karma. It’s also something very risky to do on your résumé. You should never put anything down that you can’t prove or at least speak of intelligently. If you say you speak Spanish fluently but can’t even say hola to save your life, you’re screwed buddy. You might get away with fudging some details to make you sound better than the other guys and gals trying to get the job, but as soon as they find out that you have no idea how to manage an office because you never did take that management seminar at Gorilla U., you are out of there like a stale banana peel.
Step 4: Read it. Reread it. Have everyone you know read it. Read it again, dammit!
Your résumé is the first impression you make on your potential employer. The last thing you want is for their to be a typo. (See what I did there?) If you can’t even spell bananas right, how can you manage a whole factory that makes pudding out of them? Make sure you put your best paw forward. Show them that you’re the alpha male they are looking for. Ladies can be the alpha male as well. Let’s not get into this whole gender debate now, though. I’m just a drummer turned author. Men and women can both be kick ass candidates and do a great job in the work place.
Well that’s about it for the résumé. Go forth, Brick and kick some ass, Shadow-style. Were there enough banana jokes for you, you @#$%%^&*ers? Oh boy. Looks like Shadow’s been drinking the fermented banana wine again. Good night folks. We’ll see you soon with Act 2.
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