To My Future First Wife Part 3: Is that you calling on my cell phone when I’m not around? No? Oh, well. Maybe fate will bring is together some other way... Stop laughing at me Slate!

And now resident romantic, Tigerman, addresses his bride-to-be, whoever she might be.

Dear the Future Mrs. Tigerman,

I know we’ve been playing games for a long time now. You liked something of mine on facebook, I sent you a nicely worded text or an embarrassingly candid love letter, you don’t speak to me for two years, I nearly hang myself on my own bass strings, etc. You don’t need me to list the rest of the details of our little mating dance. It breaks my heart to think that even after two of these entries I still have to keep talking in the future tense about you being my lovely first wife instead of the enticingly present tense or even the acceptable past tense.

This time I want to ask you a simple question. Are you the one who keeps calling my cell phone whenever I’m away from it? It would warm my heart to know that you were thinking of me. Of course Brick pointed out that it’s a different number every time and Shadow said that it’s probably justtelemarketers or some other type of low-life crooks, but that would just crush me if that were true. You’ll let me know if that was you, right my sweet lovely excellence?

Oh, oh! I forgot to mention but I was playing on my bass and I wrote you a bass line. I hope you like it. I couldn’t record it so I’ll write it out for you:

Bmmm dowdoda Bmmm dowdoda dowwwwwww bmmmm bmmm dododooo.

So what did you think? Well you can let me know what you think. I have to go sharpen my claws and have my tail cleaned. Hope to hear from you soon my love…

You are sooooo lame!

Shut up, Slate! Aren’t you supposed to be doing errands for G-Mod or something? Can’t you see I’m busy here?

Busy being lame!

I think you overestimate your own cleverness.

Oh yeah? Well, you…overestimated…your own cleverness-ness

*facepalm* Could you please go?

Are you still pining over that same broad? Give it a rest! It’s been two years. She never liked you and she’s probably screwing someone else by now. A whole bunch by now.

You shut your mouth! Don’t speak that way about her, you tattooed jerk!

Whatevs. Later, mofos!

Sorry about that. Hugs and kisses to you, my darling bride-to-be.

Sincerely,

Your first husband

Tigerman

Tigerman is a self-taught bass player as well as a six foot tall anthropomorphic tiger creature. He spends all of the time he isn’t playing music talking about his future wives. At this point all this talk about his future wives is getting pretty pathetic. We’re sorry to bore you but we’ve already signed an agreement for at least five of these. Bear with us. Here’s a twenty. Buy yourself some nice songs on iTunes. You know you want to. Tigerman stinks, Slate rules!