To My Future First Wife Part 2: What if we never met? Or what if we did but got so caught up in a platonic friendship that we grew old and never acted on our love? What if we hated each other? That would suck.

And now resident romantic, Tigerman, addresses his bride-to-be, whoever she might be.

Dear lady that I love so much and/or have not met yet,

I just had the most dreadful thought the other night when I was brushing my fangs and getting ready for sleep. What if our love were to never happen? It’s a ridiculous notion, you might say. Our love is or could be one of the greatest of all time, right? I have no problem with that, my brown, er…blue…er, green eyed beauty. However, the thought, once planted in my head, grew and grew until I could no longer ignore it. Here are some of the scenarios I saw where our love might be thwarted by the cruel hands of fate and society, preventing you from being the first of my many non-simultaneous wives.

Scenario (he pronounces it as Seh-Nah-Ree-Oh ) Number 1: We never meet.

This is a frightening possibility. So much so that I worry that if I think about it for too long, the stress will make all my lovely striped fur fall out. The sad truth is that it is entirely possible that this might happen, if it hasn’t already. The world is so vast and there are so many people. It’s possible that we might be born on opposite sides of the globe and never cross paths. Is it my fault that I’m a big city tiger and you were born and raised in small town in Greenland, never moving more than twenty five miles from where you were born? Or what if it’s more tragic than that? What if I get out of an Iron Maiden concert at the Garden and stop by a Duane Reade and pass right by you and your girlfriends as I buy a water bottle to rehydrate myself. My head is still echoing with the riffs of Hallowed Be Thy Name while you tell your girlfriends that you can’t seem to meet a nice guy. I of course don’t hear this (my ears ringing from being next to the speakers all night) and I leave the store without ever seeing your beautiful face. It makes me want to cry…in a real masculine, ferocious jungle cat way of course.

Scenario Number 2: ‘Just Friends’.

Another terrifyingly possible situation that might hinder us from being the greatest lovers of all time. Perhaps we met in high school or college or somehow met through mutual friends at a party or something. We had a few laughs and had plenty in common but somehow we never quite had any real tension between us or at least never acted upon it. Suddenly you’re telling me about your job, your boyfriend and everything else about your life. I of course care about you so I listen and respond with witty lines and we have a good time when we get together. However we get trapped in the Platonic zone. I never get to know the taste of your presumably sweet lips… ¡Que Tragedia! Imagine if someone you cared deeply about thought you were invisible? Makes me wanna write a mournful bass solo. Of course they won’t let me put it on the album… The fools!

Scenario Number 3: Mortal Enemies.

Now this possibility almost made me take a razor to my throat. No, actually it did not. I was never what the kids might call ‘emo’. Yeah right…Could you imagine how dreadful this would be? Imagine. We work together or perhaps have rival bands. We never take the time to get to know one another. Bad blood happens to build up through our competition with one another. Somehow rumors start that I called you a cold hearted witch with no soul. In turn you start accusing me of using bass samples on the record and that I couldn’t play a single note in the right key if I wanted to. This all escalates until we start leaving flaming bags of excrement on each other’s porches and pull other pranks in an ever escalating rivalry until eventually one of us is gunned down and then, months later, the other is as well, in retaliation. Both cases remain unsolved and people wish we had never gotten caught up in such an antagonistic relationship. If we had only taken the time to know each other, we could have realized just how right we were for one another… but it was too late. *sighs*

These are just a few examples of what could prevent us from making sweet love by starlight with Al Green playing on the stereo. Ah, my fragile feline heart! My gruff tiger exterior conceals the heart of… of… Oh never mind. I must go express myself through my bass.

Stay gorgeous you lovely lady, whoever you are.

Sincerely,

Your first husband

Tigerman


Tigerman is a self-taught bass player as well as a six foot tall anthropomorphic tiger creature. He spends all of the time he isn’t playing music talking about his future wives. So far he has had no girlfriends. Maybe it’s the sharp fangs and claws that turn them off or maybe it’s just the fact that he’s a bass player.